Tech Entrepreneur or Homeless Guy? Urgency, false starts, learned helplessness.

[iSpoogeDaily]

Description

It seems like I have no sense of urgency. I feel the stolen time deeply. I regret the time others invest into me not getting a return. Seemingly no hope of a return. The feeling of people giving up on me, horrible.

A winner is just a loser who got up one last time.

Video



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrqauL5ezCA


Transcript

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Hey, hey, and welcome to the Ice Boog Daily Channel.

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It's an experimental tech and media brand that spans across multiple platforms, channels.

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It goes back to about 2018 when I started building a self-hosted tiny data center

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with Raspberry Pi's and all kinds of crazy big cloud tech.

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But instead of scaling bigger, I was scaling smaller.

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The underlying knowledge is the same.

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And I've worked at very big scales, and hey, now I've worked at pretty small scales as well.

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Yeah, I mean, that's what is on the channel from like 2018.

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And then it kind of turned into a homeless sort of themed and narcissistic abuse

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and blah, blah, blah, as time has gone on, and I figure out all the things that have been going on.

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And now we're having a good streak of...

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Metrics or whatever in the last few weeks, as I've been doing these daily 20 minute videos.

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And it just feels so repetitive at this point, and I know I'm sitting on those emails and everything,

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and I'm supposed to be editing a video this month.

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So it's like, just do it then.

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And it's like, everyday that stuff sits still.

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There's more momentum against getting on it.

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Like, how do I even open these emails and reply to them?

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It's not even been a week, but it's been just forever to me.

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I'm just in this limbo of, you know, I got my first paycheck for my job after working a couple weeks with nothing

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and still getting donations to help me out.

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Once again, thanks so much to everybody who donated, that was just amazing.

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I've got a...

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You know, so I got off work almost three hours ago.

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And the big ordeal now is my Jackery is dead.

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And my gas tank was empty.

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And so I sort of grudgingly put a few gallons of gas in and drove to take a shower just so I could get a little alternator charge onto the Jackery.

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And it's sitting at like 3% so I might have to turn on the car during this recording.

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If it strains too fast, because obviously, you know, recording audio and video uses more battery than just having it on.

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Looking at a text document, which uses more power than having it on with no screen.

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You can kind of extrapolate.

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More functionality equals more power usage.

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So now we're at...

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12 watts, and the thing can use as little as 5 or 6 watts.

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So...

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Yeah.

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The goal was to upload 10 videos this month.

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I think I've surpassed that already.

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Now it's the momentum of, okay, this habits built.

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Let's do something with it.

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But yeah, I need to find time to get back to those emails.

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And I've got all those old projects that now, okay.

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So I went to the gym to shower today.

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I've been eating okal lift today because I'm actually getting fed enough to have excess calories,

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which means if I lift, I'm not just going to be sore and body doesn't have...

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So I've got like no body fat, and if I'm eating no calories, how's the body repair itself?

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That's what working out is.

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Like working out is damaging yourself, and then the body repairing itself.

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So if you just damage yourself without the calories to fuel or repair,

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you're not doing anything useful for yourself.

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And so I just don't work out because I'm just not getting the calories.

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And so, okay, for like a few days, maybe I'm getting the calories.

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But it's still not like mentally secure that I'm going to keep getting these calories every day.

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So why should I change my routine?

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You know, as weeks go on, like here I'm sitting in a position.

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I'm not begging for anything I'm literally just saying this is the experience of a homeless guy who is employed,

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who can't get housing any faster.

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I could get 17 jobs, I'd have to wait two weeks to get 17 paychecks.

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Like, I'm not going to be housed this week.

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Through, through predictable means.

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Okay, maybe I find someone and tell them that I'm homeless and they happen to have some extra property I can stay in with no strings like.

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You know, that's the biggest thing you've got to watch out for is just what are the...

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There's no free lunch.

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So someone offers me a place to stay, like, what are the tacit conditions?

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You know, not that anything would probably be objectionable, but just...

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If there's more conditions than a normal apartment would have, then it starts being like...

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You know, even in an apartment, like, when I'm looking for just a standalone house at this point,

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in the place that I live, that's so cheap, it's like cheaper than Des Moines, Iowa.

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It's not a capital city, it's a beautiful town, great people.

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Yeah, plenty of people give bad looks at me in the Starbucks, and I get it, you know.

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It's a nice town where there's not a huge homeless problem.

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Although people talk about the homeless problem, like, it's huge, maybe relative to what it used to be, it's huge.

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There's definitely a homeless population, but it's nothing like San Francisco, Minneapolis, San Jose, all these big cities.

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I've seen, I've lived in firsthand, been homeless in.

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So...

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Is it 1% we better fire up the car?

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Oh, sounds like you have a car you could just sell, so...

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Okay, so I sell the car so I can get the money for the apartment.

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What are the logistics after selling the car?

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Well, stay in a motel, get all my stuff into storage, stay in a motel, okay, how do I get, you know.

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That burns whatever sales price I get for the car real quick.

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There are some issues that need to be repaired that will knock down the sale.

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You know, it could be worth, you know.

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Say there's 1,000 repairs that might make the sale price 3,000 more.

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But, okay, now I don't have that 1,000 to do the repairs.

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And then, you know, the whole, like, motel things that give me, like, two grand in the pocket that goes towards motel.

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It's just like, it's intricate, and I don't have a support system.

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So I'd have to do all of this with taxis, uber's regular commercial storage places, regular rate motels.

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Just sounds like a lot of mental energy.

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Well, that weak will is why you're homeless, buddy, right? I get it.

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I don't, I just, I'm not convinced that that's a wise path to sell the car right now.

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Give the job a few more months, whatever.

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Because you just never know, you know, like with this whole, like, vegetarian thing at the job, it's just like.

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It's just, I'm definitely the lowest status person there.

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I mean, there's people who are, like, 22 years old who are higher status than me.

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You know, they've been working in the restaurant, the kitchen, they've been working in kitchens longer than me.

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It doesn't make me feel bad at all.

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It's just to convey to other people, like, yeah, 22 year olds will run circles in me around work and their higher status than me.

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Like, whatever, like, I can already tell, like, people just aren't really talking to me.

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Because, like, I'm figured out, I'm just a boring old guy, nothing going on.

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Or if something is going on, not exciting.

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Like, it's, everyone's got family plans and dotted up.

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I'm like, just, I, I've always hated when people ask me about my holiday plans, like, even back when I worked in Big Tech.

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Because I just wasn't going to have those same kind of plans as everyone else.

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Like, I actually wasn't close with my family then.

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Even though I tried, at least then I tried to be close with my family.

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But it was a one way thing, the whole time.

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And I just, when you're raised by that, you don't view that as a problem.

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You're just like, okay, I guess they're busy.

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Okay, I guess they're busy.

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No, these people are freaking losers.

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I was busy.

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That's why I didn't reach out and I felt guilty about not reaching out as much as seemed normal with other families.

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But I wasn't getting reached out to either.

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So anyway, yeah, so it's just like, there's not a theme to the couple things I've talked about in this already now.

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So it's been like, it's just days, weeks, months, years, you know, every failed attempt to start a job.

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And, you know, build up the savings.

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First you get the job, then you get the cackies, then you get the chicks.

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You know, basically, you know, the parker, trade, trade parker, and Matt Stone or whatever, the South Park guys.

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Got, how do I even not remember that?

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Those used to be like my favorite food.

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My favorite movie makers or comedians or whatever, you would call them, you know, directors, writers, whatever, I don't know.

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I just don't care about like movies and media and all this stuff that much.

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Like I have less opportunity to meet new people and less ways to relate with people that I do meet than ever.

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And fewer people in my life than ever.

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And, man.

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And I know just getting on here every day.

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It's like, I had not a video a couple days ago with like, you know, thanks for the help, but, you know, basically expect me to be homeless for more years.

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Yes, I believe in miracles and I don't want to cut myself off and make myself not open for receiving and all that stuff.

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But it's just like, you can't have like, you, it seems like there's no sense of urgency to me, but there's just such a burning urgency.

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And I don't have like resource security that I need to actually execute an urgent manner.

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And so it's like a learned helplessness of like I've burned so much energy so much focus.

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I've been so optimistic. I've jumped so many times.

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I've had false starts. I mean, the whole like pandemic thing just stole years from everybody.

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So everybody can really relate to my feeling of having years stolen, not just lost, not wasted, but stolen.

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You know, what happened to my career in 2016 stole from me.

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And it's like once I've been weakened, everybody sees that I'm weak and steals, steals, steals, steals, steal.

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And it might be punches in face, punches in face, which knocks me down, which makes me take time to recover, which effectively is stolen time.

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And yes, everything happens on God's time. Everything happens at the right time.

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Every loss is a lesson. It's just the, they're not even hard hits. These little wimpy hits can knock me down and take like these little wimpy.

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I don't want to be disparaging about my last job. But these, you know, the way a person acts when they have unaccountable power over somebody, just is really what you need to know about them.

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And forgive them for they know not what they do. These body snatchers grab them in their weakness and steal their time for their own benefit.

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Like these people are now cut off from me who is an exceptional hardworking, you know, I don't care how people see me, except to the extent that

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those are people who could be destiny helpers or, you know, otherwise allies in life.

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But they see me and they actually amfully towards me and then they won't let themselves see me positively, they have to remain consistent.

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And I don't really hold a grudge, but they would have to repent somehow substantial.

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Like my relative who physically assaulted me is he, do I have a grudge against him? No, I immediately forgave him.

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The reason I did not want to stay with an alcoholic is because I know that they're opening doors to body snatchers and they're going to abuse me through

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the body that they snatch. Because the alcoholic relative opens the door and says, hey guys come on and have a party and then comes home to me and just I tweeted about it for a long time, you know, it's

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but until it actually escalated to physical, you know, this went on for months what he was doing and he.

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I can only say that, okay, he would come home screaming every single night.

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I would be in bed, I would wake up eventually I couldn't go to sleep until he was home and done with his tantrum.

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But the thing I never did was listen to the actual words that he used. I would always cut, you know, I lay down one year would be into the pillow one year would be covered with a blanket.

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So I could not hear what he said. I just heard the muffled wailing and I just told myself he's he can't possibly wait be wailing about me because I have not interacted with him in literally over a year.

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As I stayed there, I just avoided him. If usually I would go to the coffee shop before he was awake and come home after he was at the bar. So I just would not see him at all.

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So I said, there's no way he can be wailing about me. He knows how to get a hold of me text an email.

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He can, you know, if he's got an issue with me, he can talk about it, not just scream through the why would he be screaming through the wall is what I told myself.

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I just said he's screaming about something else.

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My intuition tells me that's not true, but I didn't listen to the words. I got no idea what he said.

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Every now and then I'd hear fragments, but again he could be talking about any number of situations. I didn't hear from him for a long time. I got no idea.

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And hopefully you don't feel like your time is wasted watching these, the series, but here we are coming up on the 20 minute mark and I don't even know what the point was.

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But thank you for joining and looking forward to seeing you next time. Take care. Goodbye.

Appendix

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